TOP 5 ALBUMS OF 2015

At the end of December I posted on tumblr a list of my top 5 albums of the year, but totally disregarded the fact that it would make good blog content. To be honest I forgot I had a blog since I hadn't posted on it for so long. Even though this is three months late, I guess it still does make good blog content. At least that's what I'm telling myself. So yeah, back to the post. This is my top 5 albums of 2015. 

NUMBER FIVE- 

At number five is 'Made In The AM' by One Direction. I absolutely love One Direction, the mention of their name literally turns me into a 14 year old fangirl again. When One Direction brought out their first album, that was the type of music I was into. Then my music taste started to move on from the cheesy pop they were producing, but to be honest I still liked it because I always liked One Direction, even going way back to the X-Factor days. So it was really refreshing when they released 'Four' because it was actually music I liked, same with 'Made In The AM'.

My favourite track from the album is- Temporary Fix. 

NUMBER FOUR- 

At number four is 'American Beauty/American Psycho' by Fall Out Boy. I never went through the emo phase as a young teen, I mean don't get me wrong I knew all the words to Sugar We're Going Down but that doesn't count. I'm just going through this emo phase now just more low key, less extreme and at the age of 19 rather than 12. So don't be expecting knee high converse and coloured jeans to be appearing in a favourites post any time soon. Jokes aside, I know not many people rate this album as highly as some of FOB previous stuff but I personally really enjoy it, hence why it's one of my favourite albums of 2015. 

My favourite track is- Fourth Of July. 

NUMBER THREE- 

I'm trying to avoid saying 'at number three' so this doesn't sound too robotic. So in third place on my list is "Blurry Face' by Twenty One Pilots. The first song I listened to off of this album was 'Stressed Out', and at first I was really unsure about what I thought about it because I'd never really heard anything like it. Then I went back and listened to the full album and honestly fell in love. I'm was so pissed off with myself for jumping to conclusions with TOP because I missed out on seeing them in Leeds. After me not liking Stressed Out I now love it and I could be wrong, but isn't it in the charts?

My favourite track is- Ride/Tear In My Heart.

NUMBER TWO-

The super fan with in me really wants to put this at number one, but It actually wasn't my all time favourite album of 2015, but it was really close. Number two is 'Sounds Good Feels Good' by Five Es Oh Es. Im so engulfed with everything 5SOS do, so it was impossible for me not to like their new album. Then again if it was shit I'd be able to admit that at least in my head anyway, but it isn't shit. The album is a lot more serious, not just considering the lyrics but also the actual sound of the album apposed to their last one. The lyrics don't just revolve around girls and relationships, don't get me wrong I love their self titled titled album, but it's so much better hearing them produce the music they want to. I know I don't know them personally to know that, that is what they wanted to sound like but I've read interviews...I've done my research. Im so excited to see them in April on the 11th in Leeds and to hear it all live. 

My favourite track is- Castaway. 

NUMBER ONE-

Halsey is literally like marmite, you either love her or hate her. In in this case I love her. Her debut album 'Badlands' is my number one favourite album of last year, oh my god I've not stopped listening to it since it was released at the end of August. She kept appearing on my Tumblr dashboard and I had no idea who she was, so I googled her, which then lead me to her Spotify. I was a bit sceptical when I first listened to 'Ghost' because that wasn't the type of music I listened to. Then I listened to the rest of the Room 93 EP and it was a revelation. Hurricane soon became my top listened to song. Since then I've been obsessed and I was so excited to hear about the release of her actual album. In fact I stayed up till 12 to listen to it on Spotify, yes I am that sad. Badlands is a concept album and the name "Badlands" is a reference to Halsey's state of mind whilst she wrote the album, it's a physical place as a metaphor for a desolated and lonely mind. I haven't got bored of this album yet and I've been listening to the songs on repeat for a long time now, so this is always a good sign. 

My favourite track is- Roman Holiday/Gasoline. 

I really enjoyed writing this, even if it was a bit late, thank you for reading.

19 THINGS I'VE LEARNT BY 19

Once again I'm doing the same blog post as Tom, but this time he unofficially tagged me to do it. (I love his writing so please read his, here)

19 is an odd age, because technically you're an adult, but then you're in what I like to call 'adult purgatory'. This is basically because at 19, you're still classed as too young to be getting married and having kids, and too young for a full on career. In the eyes of society anyway, I say you do whatever you wanna do, minus commit murder. But you're expected to do other adult like things like: live alone, make your own income, buy your own make up wipes etc etc. 

At the age of 19 I feel like leading up to this moment right now, of me lying in my bed at 3:15 writing this post I've learnt a lot. So here's a list of 19 things I've come to learn. 

NUMBER ONE-

One Direction are the best thing to come out of X-Factor. 

NUMBER TWO- 

Depression and anxiety aren't as glamorous as Tumblr makes them out to be. 

NUMBER THREE- 

Instagram feeds look better with one consistent theme. 

NUMBER FOUR- 

Not everyone is going to like you and you need to get over that. 

NUMBER FIVE- 

Tidy your bedroom when it starts to get messy because it's so much easier. 

NUMBER SIX-
Candles are not a good way to spend your money.

NUMBER SEVEN-

There's more important things in your life than just your appearance. This is something I need drilling into my head, even now. 

NUMBER EIGHT- 

Only do geography A level if you don't mind not sleeping due to stress for two years and losing hair, also due to stress.

NUMBER NINE- 

Eyeliner is the best thing in the entire world right next to the ABH contour kit.

NUMBER TEN- 

Evan Peters is never going to marry me or you, he's marrying Emma Roberts and we all need to get over it, or she'll break our noses as well. 

NUMBER ELEVEN- 

Learn to spell for god's sake or you'll end up like me and be dependant on autocorrect.

NUMBER TWELVE- 

Absinthe is not your friend, but vodka is. 

NUMBER THIRTEEN- 

Disconnected is such an underrated 5SOS song and it way deserves more attention than Don't Stop. 

NUMBER FOURTEEN- 

Watching continuous hours of ThatcherJoe is not a productive way to spend your day. 

NUMBER FIFTEEN- 

Don't trust someone who uses these emojis seriously '🔥💦👌' when commenting on your photo, or during a conversation. 

NUMBER SIXTEEN-

Dogs are amazing animals and we we don't deserve them. 

NUMBER SEVENTEEN- 
Don't take your mum, or either of your parents for granted. 

NUMBER EIGHTEEN-
The internet is an amazing thing, but so is face to face interaction and the outdoors. So don't become consumed by phone/laptop/what ever other devices are out there and isolate yourself. 

NUMBER NINETEEN-

The world is full of insecure people who will try ruin your happiness. Some of them will do it so slyly (I have no idea if that's a word) that you won't even notice it. But when you do, and you will come to your senses, show them the fucking door. 

BODY IMAGE

Before I start, just going to say hi to tom because I know you're reading this, and I just want to say that I'm sorry for copying your blog post; also I'm sorry for not asking you if I could write something basically the same as what you did about 7 hours ago. Here's a link to Tom's blog (http://www.thomascrawshaw.co.uk/2016/03/body-image.html#more)

I wrote a blog post about my struggle with mental health and recently deleted it. This was because It was 50x worse than I'd made it out with in the post, I diluted it so much when I was talking about it. I did this basically to not cause any problems with anyone who was involved with that time of my life, and I didn't want anyone knowing to the full extent of what I went through, purely because I was embarrassed. 

Without going into full detail about the whole ordeal with mental health, I'm ready to talk about my problems specifically with body image that I went through. It's going to be a 2000 word essay, so get a coffee at the ready, seriously this is so long I'm so sorry. (TW: self harm) 

All through primary school I was the fat one, I started to develop faster than everyone else, my hips got bigger and so did my boobs (this was in year six, i wasn't in year 3 needing a full on bra). Compared to the other girls, my legs were bigger than theres, my face was chubbier and so was everything else to be honest. I didn't care. I was a kid. I was just happy and my weight never bothered me. I knew that I was a bit bigger than everyone else but I didn't care. This was until me and my primary school best friend had an argument and she pulled out the personal insults. We had a cheerleading team for some reason and I stopped going just because I didn't enjoy it, but she told me it was because 'my legs were too fat to be a cheerleader', that has stuck with me 9 years. This was when I my body issues started. 

At the end of year six through the holidays I started riding my bike EVERYWHERE, oh my god I loved it. I lost so much weight but didn't I didn't realise how much weight I'd lost and still thought I was fat. Then I started year seven, this was the year my self harm started. I was going to see my dad who lives in Dubai and needed holiday clothes. If you shop at Primark you know how dodgy their clothing sizing can be, but as a 12/13 year old I didn't know this. Basically I had to get some shorts that were a size bigger than i was and I cried for a good 3 hours about it. I remembered the fat comments in year 6 and just sobbed. I didn't know what to do with myself so I scratched my hand so much until I removed all the skin. I felt like I should be punished for having to get these shorts and I didn't care. I'd just like to bring it back to the fact that I was 12 and honestly I didn't know people self harmed. I just did it. My mum straight away noticed that there was a huge gash (not amazing wording) on my hand and was worried, I don't think she would have ever thought it was from self harm. I told her that I fell in P.E and did it. 

In year eight I gained some confidence, I knew I was bigger than my friends but looking back of photos of myself I get so mad because my figure was ideal. But I just dealt with it being that bit bigger. I wore shorts on non uniform days, it was great.

Then in year nine, I felt shit about myself again and hated my body. I still wore shorts all year round because a part of me didn't care, but deep down i was so self conscious. Again, i absolutely kick myself there was nothing wrong with my figure. Fat comments started again. I had a boy singing 'big girls' by Mika to be in front of everyone at one point. He apologised and said he didn't mean it and I forgave him because it was a genuine apology. 

Year ten was the worst year of my life, regarding everything. One thing happened that will stick with me until I die. It was so humiliating, seriously I'll never forget this. I was in a small friendship group, there was me and 3 other girls and for the sake of this I'll call them A B and C, just to make typing easier. Me and A were in the school caff and we were stood with her friends, I wasn't in that friendship group so I just stuck near her, I felt so uncomfortable due to anxiety issues. Then one of her male friends shouts my name, so i turn around like wtf okay. In front of about 20 people he just says 'Ellie, you look like a walrus'. Everyone was laughing and I just stood there, I played it cool and just walked away when really I wanted to cry. I got home, didn't eat for the rest of the day and just cried. I told my mum and and cried on her. Friend B and C knew that this boy was going to say it to me and laughed about it. They 'made' him apologise and I just accepted it, but I wish I'd have just called him a cunt there and then. 

Without going into much detail about the rest of year ten. To sum it up I was a suicidal mess, this wasn't just due to body image issues, but since this post is about body image I'm going to leave the rest out. My arms were covered in cuts, so were my legs and so was my stomach. I wasn't eating and if I was it was full on binge eating. I'd eat everything. If you've ever seen My Mad Fat Diary, then I was basically Rae. I've never related to a character so much in my entire life, even now. With my nails I had scraped the word 'FAT' into my skin, I felt that shit about myself. I couldn't eat in public because I thought if I did someone would point out my weight, or laugh. I couldn't do anything with myself because I was so depressed. I knew I was the only one who could get myself into shape but I didn't have the energy to do it. I wouldn't leave the house without a full face of make up because I thought so bad about myself. My mum found out what was going on and honestly it makes me so sad of my seeing how upset she was, I'm actually crying about this now writing this. She was so understanding and did everything to help me. I love her with all my heart for pulling me through this far in life. I wouldn't be here if It wasn't for her. 

✨LOVE YOU MOTHER B✨

In year 11 I stared to get better. By 'better' I mean I wasn't suicidal anymore, but I only ate a meal a day for a very very long time. This was because I was still so unhappy with my figure. I started to cover up a lot, and just wore leggings,over sized t shirts and a cardigan or something with long sleeves. By the end of year 11 I was with a good group of friends, and bought some skinny jeans. This doesn't seem like much but it was a big thing for me. I still wasn't eating well and fell back into the habit of binge eating. This habit went on until I was in year 13. 

By year 13 I had gained so much weight. I'm at uni now and now I'm actually fat and not the fat I was back in year 8, I can openly admit that and make a joke about it. But I'm not as self hating as I was all those years ago. I'm clean from self harm. Yes I dislike my figure but I'm the only one who can change it, and I'm trying to. I'm on a 'diet' and I'm working exercise into my weekly routine. I can leave the flat without any make up on, which is something I could never have done all those years ago. The truth is I don't hate my face as much as I did. I'll wear skirts and I'll wear crop tops. The look of my body does stop me from doing things but until I get the results with my body that I want, I've got to learn to accept and love what I've already got. It may take a while but it needs to be done. Sharing my experience with someone other than myself is a step forward. 

So thank you for reading.