21 THINGS I'VE LEARNT SINCE BEING 21, PART TWO (11-21)

Splitting this into two blog posts seemed like the best thing to do, because unlike last time my answers aren't just one sentence long. I've actually put some effort into writing two years down the line. What I thought was going to be a reasonably short blog post turned into a hefty bit of writing, I'm just rambling now and trying to justify my actions, so here's part two before this turns into another essay. 

ELLEVEN: 
Watching hours on end of YouTube is not a good way to spend your day. Living vicariously through beauty gurus and 20 year old American's who live in houses bigger than your old primary school is a depressing way to live.
TWELVE: 
Leading on nicely from the number eleven, comparing yourself to others is a toxic mindset. It's probably the most difficult thing not to do, but once you stop and realise that everyone if different. Everyone has different abilities, looks different, you'll have such a better mindset on life and become more accepting of yourself
THIRTEEN: 
I used to think my mum was mad when she'd tell me that she had already started Christmas shopping in June, but it's the way forward. I always complain in December when I've got no money and no time, but if I started my Christmas shopping in June when I actually have money I wouldn't have this problem. 
FOURTEEN: 
Leave your eyebrows alone!! Leave them to the professions, the sperm shape brows are not attractive. Step away from the tweezers.
FIFTHTEEN: 
Stand up for yourself, stop letting people walk all over you. I confess, I still am a total drip when it comes to letting people talk bad to me/walking all over me. But I'm getting better at putting my foot down and letting people know they're being out of order.
SIXTEEN: 
Bit contradictory to number eleven, but Netflix is also and investment. Yes it leads to binge watching television series, but Friends is on there, and so is Drag Race. Which if you remember I said was the best thing that's ever graced this Earth. I'd rather be sat in my room on hours on end listening to 'I'll be there for youuuu' play for the 50th time than have to listen to 'hello and welcome back to my channel'.
SEVENTEEN:
Skin care is so important, for gods sake wash your face. This one speaks for itself really. I can 100% justify splashing out the cash (when I have it) on skincare. Your skin is something you have to live with for life, treat it well, keep it clean and moisturise. 
EIGHTEEN:
It's okay to not really know what's going on with your life. I'm 21, I'm in my final year of university and do I have a clue what's going on with my life? NOPE. Not going to lie I am a little (a lot) stressed, but i'm giving myself a year after to work and learn to drive, then figure it out from there. I do have a five year plan but if that doesn't work then it's all good. 
NINETEEN:
I've mentioned the topic of men, but this is slightly different. Tinder is not okay. I've used the word toxic so much through out these posts but again, TINDER IS TOXIC. It is so shallow, it's based purely on the basis of looks, and a relationship cannot be based around looks, there needs to be some substance there because if not it'll dry up real quick.
TWENTY:
You'll never know what you've got until It's gone, sounds deep doesn't it? I'm actually talking about Vine. Who knew six second videos could provide such joy? Then they had to close it down, RIP Vine, always in my heart. 
TWENTY ONE:
Gonna end on a serious note, highlighter is the most amazing thing. There's nothing better than glowing like a glazed donut in the light, or even not in the light because you've applied so much you don't even need to turn your head to be able to see it. Spending $35 on an Anastasia Beverly Hills Glow Kit was a choice, but a good choice. Such a good choice that I bought two of them.

21 THINGS I'VE LEARNT SINCE BEING 21, PART ONE (ONE TO TEN)

This was something I last did when I was 19, and that was a whole 2 years ago, so I feel like It's now acceptable to re do this whole, 'things I've learnt' post. Is it a cop out blog post? I know that you're probably sat looking at your phone/computer screen nodding, but hear me out. After those two years I've grown into an actual adult, I'm no longer the first year uni student with a bad mental stability, who didn't know how to use a washing machine. I'm a third year uni student, still with bad mental stability..but who can cope better, and now use a washing machine AND a dishwasher. So now that tragic introduction is over, here's 21 things I've learnt since being 21. 

NUMBER ONE: 
 Living by the phrase 'treat yo self' is one of the most dangerous ways to live. It allows you to spend your money carelessly as an excuse because you've had a bad day/done something, even the most minor thing. 'Treat yo self girl!!' I say to myself as i press check out on four pairs of false eyelashes and three eyeshadow pallets that come to a total of £80, just because I did one hour of university work and feel like I deserve it. NOPE, the treat yo self life style is a spiral to debt, trust me on this one. 

NUMBER TWO:
There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with eating 'guilty' foods. I've spent 21 years crying every time I've eaten something that had more than 300 calories in it. Everything is okay in moderation, and even if you have a day of eating not in moderation, SO? Dieting is so toxic and needs to just be put in the bin. Enjoy life without having to count calories. 

NUMBER THREE:
After having a near death experience with absinthe when I was 17, I claimed in the last post like this when I was 19 that 'absinthe is not your friend, but vodka is.' that was the biggest lie I think I've ever told. Vodka is the Devil that was put on Earth to make you black out whilst drunk and make you do stupid stuff that when you wake up in the morning you can't even remember doing. Gin is your friend, especially pink gin. 

NUMBER FOUR:
Getting a job is the best thing you'll ever do, even if like me, It's a part time job at a pub. There's no better feeling than earning your own money and having it come in your bank every month. I have made some of my best friends at work, it's worth being shouted at angry customers because you may or may not have put their food order through wrong.

NUMBER FIVE: 
You are and independent woman who doesn't need a man. It's their loss not yours, and so what if you're single? Nothing wrong with that. Just means that you don't have to deal with anyone else's crap. 

NUMBER SIX:
This is personal opinion, but RuPaul's Drag Race is one of the best things that's graced our TV screens. It's informative about the LGBT community and drag queens, it's SO funny, it's full of shade and drama. Honestly amazing, 10/10 would recommend. 

NUMBER SEVEN: 
Friend brake-ups are just as hard as actual break-ups, but they can be necessary. No point holding on to a friendship where no effort is being made, people come and go, that's life. 

NUMBER EIGHT: 
Spotify premium is an investment. I don't care what anyone says, it is. That is all. 

NUMBER NINE:
This one I've learnt not to do, but I still fall guilty of doing it. I'm only human what can I say. Leaving uni work to the last minute is not a smart thing to do. A 3000 word essay is not do-able in 12 hours, I mean it is do-able, but that's only if you want a day of pure stress and pain. Just get it done early, you'll thank yourself in the long run. 

NUMBER 10:
To conclude part one of 21 things I've learnt, it's a good one! One Direction are probably not getting back together, and you've just got to accept it. As heart breaking as it is, Zayn leaving was just the start, then they went on hiatus, now they're all doing their own thing. I've seen them five times, maybe that's enough? RIP One Direction, always in my heart. 

TOP 5 ALBUMS OF 2015

At the end of December I posted on tumblr a list of my top 5 albums of the year, but totally disregarded the fact that it would make good blog content. To be honest I forgot I had a blog since I hadn't posted on it for so long. Even though this is three months late, I guess it still does make good blog content. At least that's what I'm telling myself. So yeah, back to the post. This is my top 5 albums of 2015. 

NUMBER FIVE- 
At number five is 'Made In The AM' by One Direction. I absolutely love One Direction, the mention of their name literally turns me into a 14 year old fangirl again. When One Direction brought out their first album, that was the type of music I was into. Then my music taste started to move on from the cheesy pop they were producing, but to be honest I still liked it because I always liked One Direction, even going way back to the X-Factor days. So it was really refreshing when they released 'Four' because it was actually music I liked, same with 'Made In The AM'.
My favourite track from the album is- Temporary Fix. 

NUMBER FOUR- 
At number four is 'American Beauty/American Psycho' by Fall Out Boy. I never went through the emo phase as a young teen, I mean don't get me wrong I knew all the words to Sugar We're Going Down but that doesn't count. I'm just going through this emo phase now just more low key, less extreme and at the age of 19 rather than 12. So don't be expecting knee high converse and coloured jeans to be appearing in a favourites post any time soon. Jokes aside, I know not many people rate this album as highly as some of FOB previous stuff but I personally really enjoy it, hence why it's one of my favourite albums of 2015. 
My favourite track is- Fourth Of July. 

NUMBER THREE- 
I'm trying to avoid saying 'at number three' so this doesn't sound too robotic. So in third place on my list is "Blurry Face' by Twenty One Pilots. The first song I listened to off of this album was 'Stressed Out', and at first I was really unsure about what I thought about it because I'd never really heard anything like it. Then I went back and listened to the full album and honestly fell in love. I'm was so pissed off with myself for jumping to conclusions with TOP because I missed out on seeing them in Leeds. After me not liking Stressed Out I now love it and I could be wrong, but isn't it in the charts?
My favourite track is- Ride/Tear In My Heart.

NUMBER TWO-
The super fan with in me really wants to put this at number one, but It actually wasn't my all time favourite album of 2015, but it was really close. Number two is 'Sounds Good Feels Good' by Five Es Oh Es. Im so engulfed with everything 5SOS do, so it was impossible for me not to like their new album. Then again if it was shit I'd be able to admit that at least in my head anyway, but it isn't shit. The album is a lot more serious, not just considering the lyrics but also the actual sound of the album apposed to their last one. The lyrics don't just revolve around girls and relationships, don't get me wrong I love their self titled titled album, but it's so much better hearing them produce the music they want to. I know I don't know them personally to know that, that is what they wanted to sound like but I've read interviews...I've done my research. Im so excited to see them in April on the 11th in Leeds and to hear it all live. 
My favourite track is- Castaway. 

NUMBER ONE-
Halsey is literally like marmite, you either love her or hate her. In in this case I love her. Her debut album 'Badlands' is my number one favourite album of last year, oh my god I've not stopped listening to it since it was released at the end of August. She kept appearing on my Tumblr dashboard and I had no idea who she was, so I googled her, which then lead me to her Spotify. I was a bit sceptical when I first listened to 'Ghost' because that wasn't the type of music I listened to. Then I listened to the rest of the Room 93 EP and it was a revelation. Hurricane soon became my top listened to song. Since then I've been obsessed and I was so excited to hear about the release of her actual album. In fact I stayed up till 12 to listen to it on Spotify, yes I am that sad. Badlands is a concept album and the name "Badlands" is a reference to Halsey's state of mind whilst she wrote the album, it's a physical place as a metaphor for a desolated and lonely mind. I haven't got bored of this album yet and I've been listening to the songs on repeat for a long time now, so this is always a good sign. 
My favourite track is- Roman Holiday/Gasoline. 


I really enjoyed writing this, even if it was a bit late, thank you for reading.

19 THINGS I'VE LEARNT BY 19

Once again I'm doing the same blog post as Tom, but this time he unofficially tagged me to do it. (I love his writing so please read his, here)

19 is an odd age, because technically you're an adult, but then you're in what I like to call 'adult purgatory'. This is basically because at 19, you're still classed as too young to be getting married and having kids, and too young for a full on career. In the eyes of society anyway, I say you do whatever you wanna do, minus commit murder. But you're expected to do other adult like things like: live alone, make your own income, buy your own make up wipes etc etc. 

At the age of 19 I feel like leading up to this moment right now, of me lying in my bed at 3:15 writing this post I've learnt a lot. So here's a list of 19 things I've come to learn. 

NUMBER ONE-
One Direction are the best thing to come out of X-Factor. 

NUMBER TWO- 
Depression and anxiety aren't as glamorous as Tumblr makes them out to be. 

NUMBER THREE- 
Instagram feeds look better with one consistent theme. 

NUMBER FOUR- 
Not everyone is going to like you and you need to get over that. 

NUMBER FIVE- 
Tidy your bedroom when it starts to get messy because it's so much easier. 

NUMBER SIX-
Candles are not a good way to spend your money.

NUMBER SEVEN-
There's more important things in your life than just your appearance. This is something I need drilling into my head, even now. 

NUMBER EIGHT- 
Only do geography A level if you don't mind not sleeping due to stress for two years and losing hair, also due to stress.

NUMBER NINE- 
Eyeliner is the best thing in the entire world right next to the ABH contour kit.

NUMBER TEN- 
Evan Peters is never going to marry me or you, he's marrying Emma Roberts and we all need to get over it, or she'll break our noses as well. 

NUMBER ELEVEN- 
Learn to spell for god's sake or you'll end up like me and be dependant on autocorrect.

NUMBER TWELVE- 
Absinthe is not your friend, but vodka is. 

NUMBER THIRTEEN- 
Disconnected is such an underrated 5SOS song and it way deserves more attention than Don't Stop. 

NUMBER FOURTEEN- 
Watching continuous hours of ThatcherJoe is not a productive way to spend your day. 

NUMBER FIFTEEN- 
Don't trust someone who uses these emojis seriously '🔥💦👌' when commenting on your photo, or during a conversation. 

NUMBER SIXTEEN-
Dogs are amazing animals and we we don't deserve them. 

NUMBER SEVENTEEN- 
Don't take your mum, or either of your parents for granted. 

NUMBER EIGHTEEN-
The internet is an amazing thing, but so is face to face interaction and the outdoors. So don't become consumed by phone/laptop/what ever other devices are out there and isolate yourself. 

NUMBER NINETEEN-
The world is full of insecure people who will try ruin your happiness. Some of them will do it so slyly (I have no idea if that's a word) that you won't even notice it. But when you do, and you will come to your senses, show them the fucking door. 


BODY IMAGE

Before I start, just going to say hi to tom because I know you're reading this, and I just want to say that I'm sorry for copying your blog post; also I'm sorry for not asking you if I could write something basically the same as what you did about 7 hours ago. Here's a link to Tom's blog (http://www.thomascrawshaw.co.uk/2016/03/body-image.html#more)

I wrote a blog post about my struggle with mental health and recently deleted it. This was because It was 50x worse than I'd made it out with in the post, I diluted it so much when I was talking about it. I did this basically to not cause any problems with anyone who was involved with that time of my life, and I didn't want anyone knowing to the full extent of what I went through, purely because I was embarrassed. 

Without going into full detail about the whole ordeal with mental health, I'm ready to talk about my problems specifically with body image that I went through. It's going to be a 2000 word essay, so get a coffee at the ready, seriously this is so long I'm so sorry. (TW: self harm) 

All through primary school I was the fat one, I started to develop faster than everyone else, my hips got bigger and so did my boobs (this was in year six, i wasn't in year 3 needing a full on bra). Compared to the other girls, my legs were bigger than theres, my face was chubbier and so was everything else to be honest. I didn't care. I was a kid. I was just happy and my weight never bothered me. I knew that I was a bit bigger than everyone else but I didn't care. This was until me and my primary school best friend had an argument and she pulled out the personal insults. We had a cheerleading team for some reason and I stopped going just because I didn't enjoy it, but she told me it was because 'my legs were too fat to be a cheerleader', that has stuck with me 9 years. This was when I my body issues started. 

At the end of year six through the holidays I started riding my bike EVERYWHERE, oh my god I loved it. I lost so much weight but didn't I didn't realise how much weight I'd lost and still thought I was fat. Then I started year seven, this was the year my self harm started. I was going to see my dad who lives in Dubai and needed holiday clothes. If you shop at Primark you know how dodgy their clothing sizing can be, but as a 12/13 year old I didn't know this. Basically I had to get some shorts that were a size bigger than i was and I cried for a good 3 hours about it. I remembered the fat comments in year 6 and just sobbed. I didn't know what to do with myself so I scratched my hand so much until I removed all the skin. I felt like I should be punished for having to get these shorts and I didn't care. I'd just like to bring it back to the fact that I was 12 and honestly I didn't know people self harmed. I just did it. My mum straight away noticed that there was a huge gash (not amazing wording) on my hand and was worried, I don't think she would have ever thought it was from self harm. I told her that I fell in P.E and did it. 

In year eight I gained some confidence, I knew I was bigger than my friends but looking back of photos of myself I get so mad because my figure was ideal. But I just dealt with it being that bit bigger. I wore shorts on non uniform days, it was great.

Then in year nine, I felt shit about myself again and hated my body. I still wore shorts all year round because a part of me didn't care, but deep down i was so self conscious. Again, i absolutely kick myself there was nothing wrong with my figure. Fat comments started again. I had a boy singing 'big girls' by Mika to be in front of everyone at one point. He apologised and said he didn't mean it and I forgave him because it was a genuine apology. 

Year ten was the worst year of my life, regarding everything. One thing happened that will stick with me until I die. It was so humiliating, seriously I'll never forget this. I was in a small friendship group, there was me and 3 other girls and for the sake of this I'll call them A B and C, just to make typing easier. Me and A were in the school caff and we were stood with her friends, I wasn't in that friendship group so I just stuck near her, I felt so uncomfortable due to anxiety issues. Then one of her male friends shouts my name, so i turn around like wtf okay. In front of about 20 people he just says 'Ellie, you look like a walrus'. Everyone was laughing and I just stood there, I played it cool and just walked away when really I wanted to cry. I got home, didn't eat for the rest of the day and just cried. I told my mum and and cried on her. Friend B and C knew that this boy was going to say it to me and laughed about it. They 'made' him apologise and I just accepted it, but I wish I'd have just called him a cunt there and then. 

Without going into much detail about the rest of year ten. To sum it up I was a suicidal mess, this wasn't just due to body image issues, but since this post is about body image I'm going to leave the rest out. My arms were covered in cuts, so were my legs and so was my stomach. I wasn't eating and if I was it was full on binge eating. I'd eat everything. If you've ever seen My Mad Fat Diary, then I was basically Rae. I've never related to a character so much in my entire life, even now. With my nails I had scraped the word 'FAT' into my skin, I felt that shit about myself. I couldn't eat in public because I thought if I did someone would point out my weight, or laugh. I couldn't do anything with myself because I was so depressed. I knew I was the only one who could get myself into shape but I didn't have the energy to do it. I wouldn't leave the house without a full face of make up because I thought so bad about myself. My mum found out what was going on and honestly it makes me so sad of my seeing how upset she was, I'm actually crying about this now writing this. She was so understanding and did everything to help me. I love her with all my heart for pulling me through this far in life. I wouldn't be here if It wasn't for her. 
✨LOVE YOU MOTHER B✨


In year 11 I stared to get better. By 'better' I mean I wasn't suicidal anymore, but I only ate a meal a day for a very very long time. This was because I was still so unhappy with my figure. I started to cover up a lot, and just wore leggings,over sized t shirts and a cardigan or something with long sleeves. By the end of year 11 I was with a good group of friends, and bought some skinny jeans. This doesn't seem like much but it was a big thing for me. I still wasn't eating well and fell back into the habit of binge eating. This habit went on until I was in year 13. 

By year 13 I had gained so much weight. I'm at uni now and now I'm actually fat and not the fat I was back in year 8, I can openly admit that and make a joke about it. But I'm not as self hating as I was all those years ago. I'm clean from self harm. Yes I dislike my figure but I'm the only one who can change it, and I'm trying to. I'm on a 'diet' and I'm working exercise into my weekly routine. I can leave the flat without any make up on, which is something I could never have done all those years ago. The truth is I don't hate my face as much as I did. I'll wear skirts and I'll wear crop tops. The look of my body does stop me from doing things but until I get the results with my body that I want, I've got to learn to accept and love what I've already got. It may take a while but it needs to be done. Sharing my experience with someone other than myself is a step forward. 

So thank you for reading. 



UNI ROOM TOUR

September has been a stressful month in all honesty. I think the hardest part of it all was moving away from home to uni and saying goodbye to my family, best friend and dog. 
But I'm settled at my uni accommodation and things aren't as stressful anymore. 
I'm really happy with how my rooms come along, so here's an online tour via pictures and where you can buy what's in my room. Hopefully this might be some inspiration if you're moving out. 

My desk is probably my favourite part of my room, honestly I don't know why. I think it just looks really pretty. 




File holder- Primark, £4
Jar with pens in- set of 3 from B&M, £3
Lamp- ASDA Living, £12

Wake up and smell the coffee canvas- Primark, £4
Candles- Primark, £2.50
Tate Langdon AHS Funkopop- Forbidden Planet, £10
Copper Owl- £3 B&M 
RANT of the day chalk board- Primark, £3
Important Stuff box- Primark, £2

It took me a good while to get all my photos up and get them all sorted. It's made my room feel a lot my homely and more like my actual room from home. 
1D calendar- HMV, £10
Photos- Snapfish, first 20 pictures are free. 
If you're a 5SOS fan the pictures I got the pictures from the tour in June- you can get them from the website, £5

At the moment my beds looking a bit bare, I want to get some more pillows. 
Bedding- Primark, £12
Copper lights- Primark, £6
Chill pillow- £4
Smile pillow- £4
Ariel plush- Disney World Florida, $15
Cheshire Car plush- Disney Land Paris, €30








25 QUESTIONS.

A tag post is meant to be where someone tags you in something and then you answer the questions. Nobody has tagged me in anything to answer these questions and I'm having 'writers block' which is my excuse in being totally lazy in thinking up any blog post ideas. So really this isn't a tag post at all.  

Anyway, here's me answering 25 questions about myself that I found on Tumblr. 

1. What is one of your biggest dreams? I don't really have a big life dream, I've never really thought of anything like that. I mean I'd love to travel the world and all that. I guess my biggest dream is to have a successful career and have a family, is that boring? That's pretty boring. 
2. Name three things that are physically close to you. There's an empty mug, a big pile of geography work and a bottle of flavoured water.
3. What’s an ideal Sunday for you? Sleeping till about one, having no work to do, then knowing I don't have to wake up for sixth form the next day. Think that shows how lazy.
4. Do you drive? If so have you crashed? I had in total maybe 7 driving lessons when my instructor decided that she wasn't going to reply to any of my messages and I've not had one since. I've decided I'm just going to wait until after uni now to start learning again. I never crashed, I was an okay driver surprisingly. 
5. What time did you wake up this morning? 10? Maybe half 10.
6. What’s one thing in your closet that you cannot live without? My black kimono, literally my favourite thing ever. 
7. What was the last movie you saw? I think it was Into The Woods, me and my sister went to go see it and all she had to say was 'there's a lot of singing in this'.
8. What does your last text message say? 'Cooooool, well you can take a break one day I'll pull you away from your geography books (I know naff all about media or English so not even gonna talk about them)'
9. Something physical that stands out? Probably my nose because it's the size of a small child and I decided to draw more attention to it with a piercing. 
10. Have you ever been to a different country? I've been lucky with traveling, thinking about it I've been all over. My dad lives in Dubai so I've been there about 5 times. Other places I've been are: Spain, Venice, Paris, Florida etc etc.
11. Do you like sushi? I love sushi so much, I could seriously live off of it. I always want to go to a sushi restaurant but non of my friends like it:(
12. What’s a song you secretly love to blast and belt out when you’re alone? Ermmm I always say I don't like Meghan Trainor but lips are moving is probably the most played song on my spotify.
13. Have you ever taken medication to help you fall asleep faster? Nope!
14. How many siblings do you have? I have 4 half brother and sisters (2 sisters, 2 brothers). Two of them are my mum and step dad's and the other two are my step mum and dad's.
15. How would you describe your style? monochrome. 
16. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 19 on the 17th of November.
17. Do you wear contacts or glasses? I should. Constantly forget that I need to wear glasses.
18. Do you colour your hair? I had red hair for about 4 years then decided to go black in September and it needs colouring every month to cover the red up.
19. Tell me something you are planning to do today. It's mothers day so I'm going to my nan's for sunday dinner. I'm excited because she makes the best roast potatoes in the world.
20. What’s the drink you always order at Starbucks? Mochaaaaa.
21. What did you want to be when you were little? I wanted to be an artist, god knows why because I can't draw/paint.
22. What’s a beauty rule you preach, but never actually practice? Always moisturise but I always forget or can't be bothered.
23. Have you ever had an all-nighter? Yess, the most recent one I did was in the summer at my house party (I wrote a post about it, check it out, thanks).
24. Can you taste the difference between Pepsi and Coke? I think I do. Maybe it’s one of those skills I think I have but actually don’t. 
25. What quote/phrase do you live your life by? 'success is the best revenge'