I wrote a blog post about my struggle with mental health and recently deleted it. This was because It was 50x worse than I'd made it out with in the post, I diluted it so much when I was talking about it. I did this basically to not cause any problems with anyone who was involved with that time of my life, and I didn't want anyone knowing to the full extent of what I went through, purely because I was embarrassed.
Without going into full detail about the whole ordeal with mental health, I'm ready to talk about my problems specifically with body image that I went through. It's going to be a 2000 word essay, so get a coffee at the ready, seriously this is so long I'm so sorry. (TW: self harm)
All through primary school I was the fat one, I started to develop faster than everyone else, my hips got bigger and so did my boobs (this was in year six, i wasn't in year 3 needing a full on bra). Compared to the other girls, my legs were bigger than theres, my face was chubbier and so was everything else to be honest. I didn't care. I was a kid. I was just happy and my weight never bothered me. I knew that I was a bit bigger than everyone else but I didn't care. This was until me and my primary school best friend had an argument and she pulled out the personal insults. We had a cheerleading team for some reason and I stopped going just because I didn't enjoy it, but she told me it was because 'my legs were too fat to be a cheerleader', that has stuck with me 9 years. This was when I my body issues started.
At the end of year six through the holidays I started riding my bike EVERYWHERE, oh my god I loved it. I lost so much weight but didn't I didn't realise how much weight I'd lost and still thought I was fat. Then I started year seven, this was the year my self harm started. I was going to see my dad who lives in Dubai and needed holiday clothes. If you shop at Primark you know how dodgy their clothing sizing can be, but as a 12/13 year old I didn't know this. Basically I had to get some shorts that were a size bigger than i was and I cried for a good 3 hours about it. I remembered the fat comments in year 6 and just sobbed. I didn't know what to do with myself so I scratched my hand so much until I removed all the skin. I felt like I should be punished for having to get these shorts and I didn't care. I'd just like to bring it back to the fact that I was 12 and honestly I didn't know people self harmed. I just did it. My mum straight away noticed that there was a huge gash (not amazing wording) on my hand and was worried, I don't think she would have ever thought it was from self harm. I told her that I fell in P.E and did it.
In year eight I gained some confidence, I knew I was bigger than my friends but looking back of photos of myself I get so mad because my figure was ideal. But I just dealt with it being that bit bigger. I wore shorts on non uniform days, it was great.
Then in year nine, I felt shit about myself again and hated my body. I still wore shorts all year round because a part of me didn't care, but deep down i was so self conscious. Again, i absolutely kick myself there was nothing wrong with my figure. Fat comments started again. I had a boy singing 'big girls' by Mika to be in front of everyone at one point. He apologised and said he didn't mean it and I forgave him because it was a genuine apology.
Year ten was the worst year of my life, regarding everything. One thing happened that will stick with me until I die. It was so humiliating, seriously I'll never forget this. I was in a small friendship group, there was me and 3 other girls and for the sake of this I'll call them A B and C, just to make typing easier. Me and A were in the school caff and we were stood with her friends, I wasn't in that friendship group so I just stuck near her, I felt so uncomfortable due to anxiety issues. Then one of her male friends shouts my name, so i turn around like wtf okay. In front of about 20 people he just says 'Ellie, you look like a walrus'. Everyone was laughing and I just stood there, I played it cool and just walked away when really I wanted to cry. I got home, didn't eat for the rest of the day and just cried. I told my mum and and cried on her. Friend B and C knew that this boy was going to say it to me and laughed about it. They 'made' him apologise and I just accepted it, but I wish I'd have just called him a cunt there and then.
Without going into much detail about the rest of year ten. To sum it up I was a suicidal mess, this wasn't just due to body image issues, but since this post is about body image I'm going to leave the rest out. My arms were covered in cuts, so were my legs and so was my stomach. I wasn't eating and if I was it was full on binge eating. I'd eat everything. If you've ever seen My Mad Fat Diary, then I was basically Rae. I've never related to a character so much in my entire life, even now. With my nails I had scraped the word 'FAT' into my skin, I felt that shit about myself. I couldn't eat in public because I thought if I did someone would point out my weight, or laugh. I couldn't do anything with myself because I was so depressed. I knew I was the only one who could get myself into shape but I didn't have the energy to do it. I wouldn't leave the house without a full face of make up because I thought so bad about myself. My mum found out what was going on and honestly it makes me so sad of my seeing how upset she was, I'm actually crying about this now writing this. She was so understanding and did everything to help me. I love her with all my heart for pulling me through this far in life. I wouldn't be here if It wasn't for her.
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| ✨LOVE YOU MOTHER B✨ |
In year 11 I stared to get better. By 'better' I mean I wasn't suicidal anymore, but I only ate a meal a day for a very very long time. This was because I was still so unhappy with my figure. I started to cover up a lot, and just wore leggings,over sized t shirts and a cardigan or something with long sleeves. By the end of year 11 I was with a good group of friends, and bought some skinny jeans. This doesn't seem like much but it was a big thing for me. I still wasn't eating well and fell back into the habit of binge eating. This habit went on until I was in year 13.
By year 13 I had gained so much weight. I'm at uni now and now I'm actually fat and not the fat I was back in year 8, I can openly admit that and make a joke about it. But I'm not as self hating as I was all those years ago. I'm clean from self harm. Yes I dislike my figure but I'm the only one who can change it, and I'm trying to. I'm on a 'diet' and I'm working exercise into my weekly routine. I can leave the flat without any make up on, which is something I could never have done all those years ago. The truth is I don't hate my face as much as I did. I'll wear skirts and I'll wear crop tops. The look of my body does stop me from doing things but until I get the results with my body that I want, I've got to learn to accept and love what I've already got. It may take a while but it needs to be done. Sharing my experience with someone other than myself is a step forward.
So thank you for reading.
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